How to Ride a Bus
It suddenly occured to me that the mundane act of riding a bus was an art in itself, a skill, no less. Of course, this thought occured just as I was about to alight.
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When you flag the bus, guage how fast it is approaching the bus stop, so that you know where to stand such that the doors open right in front of you. If there are senior citizens flagging the same bus, stand right behind them, or as near to them as possible. The bus will invariably pull up right in front of them. If you see middle-aged aunties waiting, stand right behind them too. They will somehow bludgeon their way through the doors, no matter where the bus has pulled up. It is only a matter of following in their wake.
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Always enter by the right side of the front doors. This allows you to tap your card on the right-side reader, and you can then move off unobstructed to secure the best seat(s). If you erroneously enter by the left, the chances will be that the person who entered by the right would have fouled up his or her scan and leave you waiting, opening a window of opportunity for passengers already on the bus to move to freshly vacated seats.
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If you are travelling with your loved one, the person who is proven to be faster must worm his or her way to the best double seat and reserve it. It is infinitely better to have to cease holding hands for half a minute and thus get a couple seat, than to endure thirty minutes of standing and having your bums rubbed by alighting passengers.
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Before you occupy a freshly vacated seat, always use the flat of your palm to slap the seat soundly. The louder the sound, the more comfortable the seat will be.
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Whenever possible, sit right at the back of the bus. It is infinitely better to sneeze on the person sitting in front of you, than to have someone sitting behind sneeze on you. Sitting right at the back also ensures that you have a full view of all the occupants of the bus, including those who are boarding and alighting.
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If there are no forward facing seats available, sit on the seats facing rearwards. It is infinitely better to hold the gaze of whoever is sitting facing you, than to spend a grueling twenty minutes having your bums brushed fifty times, your bag straps caught in someone else’s bag straps, and your nose stuck under someone’s armpit. Another plus point is that whoever picked the green seats meant for senior citizens probably did not bargain on having anyone brave enough to sit facing him or her. So savour the sensation of pressing your knees against his or her knees for as long as the other party can stand it.
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Before offering your seat to someone who looks like a senior citizen, pregnant lady, or auntie-carrying-thirty-five-plastic-bags-of-mush, ensure that you have established meaningful eye contact, in order to ascertain that the person you intend to offer your seat to is willing to absorb your body heat. There is nothing quite as disconcerting as standing up, only to have your vacant seat flatly refused.
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If someone sits next to you and opens his or her (more likely his) legs so wide that you are deprived of any leg opening room, sneeze loudly and flagrantly on your leg that is in contact with the other person’s. The chances of you having more room henceforth is greatly increased. If sneezing does not work, try to work up a fart.
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When the bus is in motion, and you suddenly feel the urge to drink from your bottle, dig your nose, or dig your eye, watch the road ahead carefully to ensure that there is nothing that might possibly cause the bus to brake hard, thereby drenching you, causing a nose bleed, or gouging out your eye. That being said, buses start and stop very quickly for no apparent reason, so it is better to do anything that needs to be done when the bus is stuck at the traffic lights or at a crowded bus stop - the bus is stationary for more than half your journey anyway, so there is plenty of time to dig your nose.
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When you are about to alight, watch carefully (that is why it is better to sit right at the back) to see if anyone else is alighting with you. Let the other person press the bell. It is infinitely better to let someone else press the bell while you reap the rewards and alight without having to do any work. If you are sitting in front, you must take a gamble and hope someone presses the bell for you. If no one does so, wait until the last possible moment, then press the bell. You might just cause the bus to brake and swerve violently, thereby drenching someone, causing a nosebleed, or gouging out someone’s eye. That person deserved it for not watching the road ahead and figuring that someone might press the bell at the last moment.
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Before you press the bell, always watch carefully to make sure no one else is pressing it at the same time. It is quite disconcerting to have your finger almost to the bell and then hearing it ring because someone else pressed it. When you are absolutely sure no one is about to press it, aim for the button, and in a single motion, jab it hard. This must be done at the quickest possible speed, to prevent anyone from ambushing you, and pressing the bell just before you. On the other hand, if you happen to see someone about to alight, wait until that person has his or her finger on the button and then quickly press the button nearest to you, thereby embarrassing the person.
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When you are about to alight at a bus stop other than the terminus, do not stand up until the bus has stopped or almost stopped. Drivers always try to unbalance passengers by swerving violently into the bus bay, and it can be quite a challenge to keep both feet firmly planted on the floor. If you saunter off the bus without losing your footing, you have beat the driver at his own game.
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If you are alighting at the terminus, get yourself to the door way before the bus enters the terminus. Grasp the poles firmly with your feet shoulder width apart to prevent the driver from upsetting your balance. Getting to the door early ensures that you are not kept waiting in your seat right at the back while an endless mass of dawdling people in front alight before you.
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That being said, I still maintain that buses are for the peasants (like me). Who else would consent to using the world’s slowest form of transportation? The least you could do would be to ensure, above all else, that you are able to make the ninety minute journey in the most comfortable way possible.
